I want to start out this week’s post by giving a huge shout out to my boy Paul Walker. He was finally toppled at the box office this last weekend, after two weeks on top. Fast n Furious 6 has got to be the only 6th sequel to do this well.
Having the name Paul Walker has its real pluses and minuses. I often feel just like the character named Michael Bolton from the movie office space. For those of you who have not seen the movie, Mike detests the fact that he shares a name with the soft sounds legend. However, while being interviewed by some “consultants” (hired for an anticipated merger to determine which employees to keep and which employees to let go), it is discovered that both consultants are huge Michael Bolton fans. Mike begrudgingly also says he loves Bolton’s music and is honored to share a name with him. Well…Mike ends up getting laid-off to which he replies, “I can’t believe I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton!”
I often face this same dichotomy when I go to McDonalds. I hand over my credit card to the 16 year old girl who then has a look of utter disbelief when she reads the name on my card, “You’re Paul Walker???” At this point, depending on my mood, I either gush over the heartthrob with the young lady or I say something like, “Yeah…I wish he wasn’t such a crappy actor.” People usually take it pretty hard when they find out I’m Paul Walker the accountant instead of Paul Walker the actor…
So what are the pluses of having the name Paul Walker you ask? The only one so far is that I’m virtually un-findable on the internet. You google anything with the words “Paul Walker” in it, and all you’re gonna get is pictures of some one-hit-wonder (usually with his shirt off). This is all true until now! Last week my blog post went viral (for my standards…about 300 reads), and I’m not stopping until this phony Paul Walker fast n furious character is de-throned in all Paul Walker related google searches (I told you in my first post I have no problem shamelessly plugging myself). So please share, pin, insta, tweet and whatever the heck else you all do to these posts.
So let’s get to the action! This week’s episode starts with a group date with about half the guys playing dodgeball. Because of the intricacies of this sport, Bachelorette producers felt the need to bring in some professional dodgeball players to explain the rules. “You take the ball and throw it at the other team…” explains one of the pros. The guys aren’t following, so the pros take to the field in hopes that if they show them how to play they will understand. After what seems like hours of practicing…explaining…practicing…explaining, Chris Harrison puts the pros out of their misery and announces he will split the guys up for a winner takes all dodgeball match.
They guys show they learned nothing from the pros and prance out in some skimpy uniforms. “It is so funny to watch grown men in little tiny shorts,” Des gushes. The red team takes the first game, which is followed by the blue team taking the second game. Chris announces that the third game will determine which team goes back to the mansion alone and which team will spend some quality time with Des. The guys race to the center, and as the action begins Brooks drops to the floor! “I can feel the pain now, I really can!” Brooks screams. There is absolute horror on Des and the rest of the guys’ faces. “It was disappointing to me because I felt like I couldn’t do anything to make it feel better,” Des says desperately. It becomes apparent that this is very serious, so the paramedics are brought in and Brooks is loaded into an ambulance and taken to the nearest hospital. At the hospital, Brooks is hooked up to what looks like life support and explains that he almost lost consciousness. At this point I’m really concerned, especially when his diagnosis comes in. Brooks has…wait for it…A JAMMED FINGER!!! I desperately wanted one of those nurses to pimp slap him while he was laying there in his skimpy shorts wincing in pain, and tell him to man up. But not all of your dreams can come true right?
The blue team wins the match, but Des elects to have all of the guys finish out the date (Did you not learn anything from Sean’s season?) Des meets with pretty much all of the guys one-on-one which includes Brad the accountant…wait…accountant sighting! This completely changes my pick for the end of the season! Accountants are almost as rare as minorities in the bachelor/bachelorette series. I like to think it’s because people don’t understand our humor or love for debits and credits. What bachelor fan doesn’t want to see two people talk about budgeting and their financial future? I would freaking love that!! Brad shows he is WAY classier than Ben and waits until the second time he talks to Des to tell her he has a son.
After hours of testing, Brooks is finally released from the hospital and arrives at the date with a large splint on his finger. The guys are inspired by Brooks’s heroics as one of the guys states, “The fact that Brooks was able to come back shows how much he cares about Des.” Des is equally impressed and says, “I know your finger hurts, so thank you.”
Chris won the rose which got him a personal concert from some band who appeared to have been slipped some of Brooks’s pain meds. Anyone want to guess who’s creepily watching from the window?? That’s right – Briefs. I personally went out and bought a home security system last week because of this guy’s peeping tomness.
The next scene shows Des alone in her “apartment” writing in her thrift shop journal and the phone suddenly rings. “I needed to call you because unfortunately I have some bizarre news about one of the guys…” says Chris Harrison. What could it be? Does Ben have another kid he wants to introduce? Did Briefs finally wash and return Chris Harrison’s tightey whiteys? Did someone return Bryden’s personality? The suspense is drawn out in bachelor-fashion length until Des and Chris arrive at the mansion. Des pulls Brian aside and asks, “Is there anything you want to tell me?” Brian, a word to the wise…when a woman asks that question the best thing to do is run. Just get the freak out of there!
Des then informs Brian that she knows about his girlfriend Stephanie and asks Brian, “Do you know how she feels about it? Because she’s here!” At this point of the show, I felt like jumping out of my chair and yelling “Go Jerry (Springer), go Jerry, go Jerry!”
Stephanie rolls in with a tight leather getup and looks like she obviously just got off the plane and was not done up by the Bachelorette hair, makeup, and wardrobe crew. While pointing to Des, Stephanie says, “Do you realize this girl is out here to find love?” Well duh…why else would she be here? Do you think she wants to shamelessly promote herself? Or be the next Dancing with the Stars contestant? No way!
Stephanie then goes into what I call Peanut talk mode. All 2 of you guys reading this post know what I’m talking about, but for the ladies let me break it down for you. You all know when grown-ups would talk to Charlie Brown, Snoopy and the gang how all they could hear was, “Wa, wa, wa, wa…”? This is what happens to your husband/boyfriend/man when you go into Peanut (tirade) mode. Chris Harrison couldn’t even rein this chick in. Please allow me to translate what she was saying, which may help you see why Brian seemed like he was in a haze: “Wa wa wa all you wanted was a break, wa wa wa Donovan, wa wa wa 6-7 other girls, wa wa wa strippers, wa wa wa we hung out the day before you left, wa wa wa…” and then she drops the bombshell. “We slept together 2 days before you came out here!” That one snaps Brian out of Peanut mode and prompts Chris Harrison to ask Des, “Is there any chance this guy stays here?” To which Des replies, “No chance.” Brian leaves while thinking, “Souldja Boy I told ya were here for the wrong reasons!”
This whole situation brings Briefs back to his childhood when his single mom would have dudes come and go. “I’ve had a lot of men come into my life and I loved them” (so many comments, so little time…) These thoughts bring on the tears and really really confuses everyone viewing.
Time for Kasey’s date! This date is too boring to even comment. He gets a rose, despite crazy winds, dancing on the side of a building, and some real shrinkage while swimming in an ice cold pool.
Time for group date #2! The guys are picked up by a stagecoach and brought to an old western city. They see Des dressed in old western clothes high atop a balcony when suddenly a guy jumps out of the door and grabs Des! My first reaction was to get up, arm my new security system and ask, is that Briefs finally acting on his peeping-tom fantasies? Luckily it was just a stunt man from the new “Lone Ranger” movie. That’s a weird coincidence? How did they end up with members of the “Lone Ranger” cast? Nevermind…back to the action!
Juan Pablo wins the contest and Des makes him the “Lone Ranger”…there’s that movie again…weird? His prize is a movie date with Des in an abandoned barn. They watch the new “Lone Ranger” movie (which of course receives amazing reviews) and end the date with a long kiss. Curiously, following the kiss was a commercial for Disney’s new movie the “Lone Ranger”…okay I get it!
Des then spends some one-on-one time with some of the other guys on group date #2. James (Jersey Shore) shares a particularly touching story about his ailing father. He wants some assurances from Des that she sees a future with him. If not he’s heading straight back to the shore with Ronnie, Snookie and the gang to get his shmoosh on! She keeps him in the mansion with a rose and a kiss.
Meanwhile back at the mansion, Chris Harrison announces in lieu of a cocktail party they’re going to have a pool party. Ben snags Des before she arrives and asks her to take him on a ride. He starts by talking about (surprise surprise) his son. Not because he wants to use his adorable son to pull on Des’s heartstrings, but because he doesn’t want their relationship to go to the “dad zone”.
The Itallion Stallion and some of the other guys see Ben’s stunt. They question Ben about his secret getaway, to which Ben plays dumb. Italian Stallion shows his deep obsession with Ben and Des’s relationship and pulls Ben aside to express his displeasure with him lying. “It’s called the bachelorette for a reason. It’s not called let’s make friends,” Ben tells Bachelorette nation.
In other news, Briefs can’t stop thinking about all those men! He pulls Des aside and assures her he will never treat her like those men treated his mother. This brings tears to his eyes and, then in dramatic fashion after one date and knowing Des for approximately 2 days he says: “I told her I’m falling in love with her and I mean it. She consumes my mind right now. I can’t think of anything else except how perfect we are together.” This is a milestone worth noting because it happens in every bachelor season…we officially have this year’s crazy person. He then kisses Des which prompts that nervous “I’m scared for my life” giggle from Des.
After fast-forwarding the rose ceremony, the final rose is between Ben, Briefs and some other dude we’ve never seen. Des does this strange pee-shiver, gets the mace ready and gives Ben the final rose. Briefs is shocked!!! “I’m blown away. You’re making a huge mistake!” He storms out of the mansion. So ladies, ask yourself this question…You’re dating someone who is found mysteriously looking through your windows at all times. On day 2 he says he loves you and you are going to be perfect together. You finally break up with him. He leaves. So what do you do next? That’s right…you run after him! Crazy people deserve closure too right?? “We just didn’t have that chemistry,” Des explains. Briefs can’t take the rejection and leaves, but not without leaving these great one-liners for Bachelor-nation:
“I pretty much just got my heart smashed by a hammer. Because I’m in love with Des.”
“Once again, someone left me. I can’t cry, I’m just out of tears.”
I have to say I’m very torn about Brief’s departure. On the one hand I’m proud of Des for recognizing his craziness and letting him go. On the other hand, what is going on with the Bachelorette producers? How could they let the crazy go home this early? Are there more secret crazy people yet-to-be-revealed? I hope so because if not, my prediction of this being the most boring season in Bachelor history could come true. Please feel free to chime in with your thoughts, and let me know if you agree with what I saw as I was watching…occasionally in the background.
Hello! I am Camille, a wife, mother of four, Disney obsessed, certified teacher, and believer in creating your best momlife the way you see fit. Motherhood comes with its ups and downs, my hope is you’ll find something here to make your life a little better/easier. Let’s be friends on social!
Feeling bad for briefs and his daddy issues but loved your review. Well done. 😉
Now tell me, when you get home from work is that all you hear? Peanut mode! Waaa waa waa?
Sorry Camille, I didn’t catch that. What did you say?
Only kidding…I am always listening and very attentive when you are talking to me 🙂
haha. Camille’s comment! You set yourself up for that one Paul!