The truth hurts…and other weighty matters

So, I just updated yesterday…but I feel like I left out a few things:

I really hate being completely honest…and vulnerable, but I’m going to be.  Only because I think I’m not the only one who struggles with these things…weight that is. Talking about it openly can help to facilitate the discussion of health in a positive manor.  It is never okay to sit around judging others for their bad decisions, people are people, and we all make mistakes.  Some people’s mistakes are just more obvious than others. But I also never think its okay to sit around telling people who are making poor life choices that they’re just fine;  Especially myself.  There are just FAR too many justifications for people to live unhealthy lives and to continue going down that path.

Myself for example; I can come up with about 1000 different excuses of why I shouldn’t or “can’t” to lose weight right now, or why I gained it in the first place:

  • I just had twins (never mind that it’s been a year now!)
  • I was on fertility treatments
  • I seriously struggled with postpartum depression
  • I delivered my babies BOTH ways, naturally and emergency c-section and have been severely anemic ever since.
  • I’m so busy working and being a full-time stay at home mom to my now twin toddlers and 3 year old, I don’t have time to work out, or even grocery shop.  Fast food is easier.
  • I don’t get enough sleep at night
  • I hate to cook
  • Blah blah blah

I certainly could come up with TONS more, but they’re just excuses.  The fact of the matter is, I’m not in a healthy place right now and I should be.  Why?

  • Because I love my children and want to be able to really play and wrestle with them without getting winded every time
  • Because I want to teach them to be healthy and take care of their little bodies too
  • Because I want to feel better and have more energy every day
  • Because I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
  • Because I want to live a long and full happy life free from disease and illness
  • Because type II diabetes runs in my family and my grandmother died at a very young age because of it

I don’t want to listen to the excuses I give myself anymore; I just want to be fit and active and BE my age!! I’m still a 20 something for crying out loud!!…okay okay, so, I’m in my last year of being a 20 something, but gosh dang it, I want to look it and feel it!  And having 3 kids isn’t an excuse to be overweight; it’s a reason to get fit!

This is officially the 3rd time I’ve had to lose weight in my life….and it sucks.  The first time was after I had been married for a year or two…ugh, we ate out SO MUCH (I mostly blame Café Rio! Curse you!!) And despite what I thought, I literally knew nothing about nutrition, especially for my body.

I’ve known for many years that I have insulin resistance, which in a nutshell means I’m pre-diabetic.  What I didn’t know about that back then, was that I need protein…lots of it.  As in, I should NEVER eat a carb without pairing with a protein; but honestly, no one really should anyway.  In case you hadn’t noticed, all of the very healthiest diets now really promote healthy proteins with every meal.  (If you too have insulin resistance and have more questions, I’ve actually done a TON of research on the topic and can point you in the right direction on some good literature about the condition, feel free to leave me a comment and I’ll get back to ya.)  I also, have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome), hence the fertility treatments.  Often PCOS and insulin resistance go hand-in-hand… (Which I’ve also read TONS about).

So, after I had been married for a little over a year, I decided I really needed to lose the weight.  To keep it short, I went to personal trainers, entered challenges, went to a couple of different nutritionists, and all in all, I lost a grand total of like MAYBE 8 lbs.  I know that some of you will just think I wasn’t really following their programs, but I swear to you on my 3 sweet, innocent little babe’s that I followed religiously!  It was baffling.  But after many many sleepless nights, reading books about PCOS and insulin resistance and researching it online, I finally realized the whole protein thing…kind of a big deal for me.  I started a really healthy diet called the insulin resistance diet (which pairs a healthy protein with every meal) and finally started seeing great results

The Insulin-Resistance Diet–Revised and Updated: How to Turn Off Your Body’s Fat-Making Machine

 

…but then I got impatient, and I turned to a diet you’ve probably heard of… HCG.

I lost 45lbs so so quickly and felt amazing!!! However, and I can’t believe I’m really sharing this, but I got into a really bad habit and began to binge and purge.   Not all of the time, but if I was on vacation, or a holiday I would feel so guilty about eating bad foods that I couldn’t stop obsessing over having ate it until I threw it up.  And, to make matters worse, if I was going to throw up anyway, I was just contemplating what else I could eat before that.

I was elated and mortified the day I found out I was finally pregnant.  So thrilled to be pregnant of course, but worried about the binging and purging I had done and I agonized over whether I had done any harm to my precious tiny baby now growing inside a body I had not been taking care of.

I was truly blessed and had a prefect pregnancy and ate without feeling the need to purge (which then led to a 55lb weight gain!).  My beautiful baby son was born while the hubs was in Iraq, and he was and is perfect!  My friends and family can attest, he was an angel baby!! Slept through the night from day 1…and I don’t mean 4 hours “through the night,” I mean 6-8 hours a night, EVERY night! And 12 hrs a night from 10 weeks on!  Blessed!  I didn’t really start getting diet crazy again until his 1 year birthday rolled around…which, I realized, I was still ROLLING around!  I had tried a couple of diets, but hadn’t really stuck to them.  I swore I would never do the HCG thing again because of what it did to me the last time, but losing a pound a day is pretty darn tempting.  So regrettably, I did it again…and lost all of the weight and more in a hurry. But then the temptation of purging came back, and I found myself doing it more and more.  I found it insanely hard just to maintain.  I would diet all week long, and then just a meal out on the weekend would put me up a couple pounds. So then I’d starve myself all week long, eating nothing but plain chicken and veggies and I’d find that those 2 lbs wouldn’t come off.  So if we ate out again the following week, I’d justify purging.

I think most people that truly know me, even many of my best friends might be shocked to know that I was really battling depression.  I’m really good at putting on my game face.  What’s so stupid is that it was all self-inflicted.  I have a fantastic life, a great family, beautiful children, and a husband who is drop dead gorgeous and tells me everyday how beautiful I am.  I’m educated, and I’ve been so successful in my life, why wasn’t I happy?

Because I wasn’t taking care of my body; Pure and simple.  I might have been thin (I don’t mean skinny, I’ve never been that) but I sure didn’t feel great about myself.  How could I?  I was literally going against nature.

Here’s a photo from when I was about half-way through losing the weight and when I got to my goal, but then I lost another 15 lbs after that…it’s funny, I actually think that I look better in the “before” image. (losing weight the unhealthy way does that)

Eventually, I got pregnant with the twins after fertility treatments (gaining quite a bit of weight) and I took excellent care of my body (but gained even more). And 9 months later, we were blessed with these two beautiful little babes to fill my arms.  And my hubs actually got to come home from his second tour of duty in Afghanistan early so he could be there this time, so I was exponentially blessed.

Above is the day I went in for my induction, 39.5 weeks pregnant with twins (Who makes it that far with twins?!?! This girl, that’s who)….I’m also horrified to admit, that I actually gained weight AFTER the delivery! Look at my face above, and then a couple months later below (I didn’t literally gain more weight, but I got close to my delivery weight, only this time without any babies inside! Who does THAT?? This girl, that’s who):

 

As per the norm with me, I did struggle a bit with postpartum for a few months, but despite the fact that this year has been my absolute heaviest EVER, I’ve actually felt like myself; confident and happy.  I’ve certainly recognized that I’m not as happy and confident and certainly not as healthy as I can be, which…is why I’m here, blogging about weight loss.

This time, I’m doing it right.  It’s been slow, but that’s good…I guess.  I truly believe almost any weight loss plan can work, if YOU work and stick to it.  I’m using Chris Powell’s diet and fitness program from his inspirational book, Chris Powell’s Choose More, Lose More for Life I 100% recommend it.  It’s motivating for sure.  I love that it’s real food and honestly, it’s so simple.  I feel great!  I actually feel like I’m eating TONS, but I’m seeing the numbers go down every week (if you saw my update earlier, I lost 3 lbs last week, and I’m down a total of 10lbs since starting his program…and down 23lbs since March!) You’re even allowed a cheat day, which, let’s be honest, that’s a necessity if this is going to be a lasting change.  I was telling my friend Krista today there’s no way I could swear off brownies for the rest of my life.  I’d be lying, and then I would eat them, and I would feel bad about it because I broke my promise.  But a diet that makes room for those rewards is a smart one.  (I also really think Weight Watchers is a smart program for that same reason.)

I’ve got you to keep me honest.  So…despite the fact that I really , really didn’t want to share any true “before” photos, here I go anyway.  (granted…I think the second photo is REALLY flattering, but can ya blame me??)

 

 

Alright my friends, there’s the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Thanks for following along and I really do appreciate all of you cheering me along, and for those who are joining me in this journey, we rock!  I have to admit, when I write these posts, it feels so private and personal that I’m almost shocked when someone comes up to me and comments on my post…it’s somehow like I forgot that I put it on the interwebs for the whole world to read…(not that they do). lol

If you’d like to read similar posts or get some healthy recipes here are a few links you should check out:

The Truth about pregnancy, life and body image

Skinny Pancakes! Protein pancakes that actually taste fantastic!

The 30  BEST workout songs of 2013 and my weight loss game plan

Weight loss update (10lbs down)

Healthy Peanut Butter Moo’d (the most amazing protein shake!)

 

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  • Cassia,

    I didn’t know you had a struggle with binging/purging and my heart aches for you knowing that it has been such a roller coaster. But one thing I do KNOW about you in that you are one of the strongest willed fighters I know. (And a beautifully, positive person.) I have no doubt that you can do this and be in a happy, healthy place with your body and mind. You are so incredibly inspiring and I just love you.ReplyCancel

  • Thank you for sharing your story, and with such transparency. I have a question for you, if I may, and if you’re comfortable answering it. Why do you credit the HCG diet with your struggle with binging and purging? I ask because I did that diet 2 years ago, before conceiving my daughter, and I didn’t experience anything like that, despite having previously struggled with an eating disorder (Compulsive Overeating with Dissociation), and found that I was able to maintain the basic eating style (veggies, fruit, lean meat, no grains, healthy seasonings) for almost a year (it kinda fell apart at 8 months pregnant because, despite my baby being extremely healthy, I bought into the lie that only having gained 7lbs, and losing 3 sizes, couldn’t be healthy, and I started eating highly fattening processed foods out of fear, which made my pregnancy end in a lot of discomfort for me – and I only gained 3lbs in 2 months). Anyway, I am curious why you believe that the diet was responsible for this issue, as I’ve never heard that before, and am actually planning to do the diet again next month (I had PPD for 5 months, after my daughter’s birth, and gained 56lbs).ReplyCancel

    • Cassia Denton

      Alena, I’m actually really glad you asked and I think maybe I’ll amend my post with the “why” because I do think it’s a very good thing for people to know who might be considering the HCG diet.

      For me, it’s kind of a “this is a potential side effect” type of deal. Not that it for sure will happen to everyone who does this diet, but that from my experience and many of my friends, family and HCG online community friends, MANY many people struggle with eating disorders after the diet. A lot of it has to do with doing such an extreme diet and depriving yourself for so long. Part of it has to do with the binge (“loading”) at the beginning of the diet. The concern for many is that disordered eating can lead to an eating disorder, and the 500 cal. hcg diet is so restrictive that it certainly is disordered eating. For me, and I know many others, the idea is that there is such a desperation to lose weight, that you’re willing to do something drastic. It becomes somewhat of a trigger or gateway to eating disorders. For most that I’ve talked to candidly, binging is the problem and for some it’s anorexia. Personally, I technically fell into both (and all three since I would also purge.) I would eat so so few calories during the week, and binge and purge on the weekend. When I originally did this diet, I did it with 8-10 family and friends. ALL but one gained it right back, and the one keeps it off with an eating disorder. Another eventually lost the weight, but she got there through healthier avenues…namely, smaller portions and a whole lotta exercise. 🙂

      After coming off the diet for the second time and truly struggling to maintain, even despite my incredibly low caloric intake, I could not keep it off. I did some serious research and chatted with a few health professionals and found that my basal metabolic rate had decreased substantially. Our bodies are really amazing things, aren’t they?? So, if we subject them to starvation, they’ll learn and adapt. So it says, “okay, if you’re going to eat less, I’ll use less.” We’re pretty efficient like that!

      So another fantastic side effect that I experienced and is not at all uncommon, was substantial hair loss. I mean…it was scary how much I was losing. Also, my fingernails would peel…that’s not right!?

      I will say, that if an individual was considering gastric bypass or something like that, this is probably a safer option. But really, I’ve always known that to make a real change, it has to be for life. I can’t just starve myself for 8 weeks and go back to regular eating, but after the deprivation of the 500 calorie diet, it’s just too tempting to indulge a bit.

      I wouldn’t presume to tell you what to do, you clearly know what you’re getting yourself into and how to maintain, I just think that if you’re willing to be a little patient, maybe you’d really like weight watchers or the carb cycling from Chris Powell’s book? (of course there are lots of other programs that are equally awesome, I’m just a fan of those two) I’m really happy with the results so far!! I’m not yet 3 weeks in and I’m down 10 lbs.

      I am really sorry about the PPD…I know it’s the worst. And if you’re like me, it’s really a weird thing, because never in my life have I been prone to depression, but that time right after baby arrives is really rough on my body image.

      Either way, I hope you’ll keep me updated. Losing weight, however one does it, takes hard work and dedication, and I can always use the inspiration!!! 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Kali

    Cassia- Bless you for your honesty, because truthfully, you are helping others by being so brave. Like you said, you are not alone. There are a lot of people in your same boat. I have done the whole weight loss thing 3 times as well and it is awful hard. But so rewarding when you do it the right way. You are looking incredible and have always been stunning in my eyes, no matter what the weight. What is inside of your shines through to your outer appearance which is why you are so beautiful. I am impressed with your self discovery, how you educated yourself on what works for you and then applying it. YOU ROCK.ReplyCancel

    • Cassia Denton

      Kali, first of all, thank you and second, you’ve totally been my inspiration!! I even mentioned you in my first post here: http://www.mymommystyle.com/?p=4967 I love what you’ve done and you’ve always done it the right way!!! You’ll be proud of me, I actually signed up for my first 5k!!! 🙂 (only because it’s a color run, and if I’m going to do a race, it ought to be very fun and colorful!!) We’ll see how that one goes and go from there. 🙂 Funny, I used to LOVE running??!?! What?? I was crazy 🙂 I wish I was still that crazy!!ReplyCancel

  • Krista

    You are seriously amazing! The more I read, the more I REALLY wish we were closer. Dang it.

    I think you look great. WTG. I wish I had a talent for writing and putting into words exactly how I feel, but I’m terrible. A lot of this sums up how I feel.

    Thanks for posting.ReplyCancel

  • Brittany Littleton

    I think I am insulin resistant too! I would love any info you have!!!!ReplyCancel

    • Cassia Denton

      Hi Brittany,
      Sorry this is so slow!! I kept trying to reply from my phone, but it just wasn’t working. But now that I have a computer again, here we go.
      One of the most frustrating things for me was that when I would go on diets, I would eat super lean, healthy greens, complex carbs etc. I would NEVER go over 1200 calories and yet, I couldn’t lose a lb to save my life! In fact, I even sometimes gained a lb?? I was exercising with personal trainers 3 days a week and working out on my own another 3 days a week. In fact, on the days I worked out with my trainers, I did 2-a-day workouts. All in all, I lost less than 5 lbs in 3 months of that rigorous schedule! My trainers never believed that I was following a strict program and the nutritionists didn’t believe my food logs either. In the end, they all just gave up on me. Only me and my husband knew for a fact that I was following their programs religiously!! I kind of gave up on myself too at the time. So, I went off their programs for another 3 months and at whatever I wanted and gained exactly 2 lbs?? How did that make any sense?? It didn’t…at least not at the time. But then, like I mentioned, I was doing research about pregnancy and pcos and I came across a random article about insulin resistance being the culprit of so many of my problems. After self-diagnosing, I was pretty sure I had it, but then I went to the dr.’s to have some testing done. It originally came back inconclusive, but after a couple more tests it was confirmed. That was about 5 years ago…testing has truly come such a long ways since then!! All I know for sure is that when you go to get tested, be sure to tell the doc to look at your insulin levels, NOT glucose. Especially if you’re already sure you don’t have diabetes, that test will be wrong for a person with insulin resistance.

      This gives me a good idea. I know a doctor who has spent a lot of her life studying weight issues and insulin resistance…I’m only hesitant to ask her to write a post because she works at the same clinic I went through to do the HCG diet…while I don’t think it’s entirely horrid, I just don’t think it’s a good solution to most weight problems…so…idk…I’ll talk to her and see if she’d like to write a post on insulin resistance for My Mommy Style. She knows SOOOO much! I’d refer you to her if you live in Utah by chance? She works at the MD Diet clinic in Ogden Utah.

      Anyway, One of my favorite things that I found after I learned that I was Insulin resistant was The Insulin Resistant Diet. HEre’s a link so you can see what I’m talking about….It’s not just good because of the diet, but because of the information. I actually think the diet is really great though too…but I just personally always need to mix my diets up so I don’t get bored. 🙂

      http://www.amazon.com/The-Insulin-Resistance-Diet–Revised-Updated-Fat-Making/dp/0071499849/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377616583&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Insulin-Resistance+Diet–Revised+and+Updated

      This is also a really great article about insulin resistance and how to self-diagnose as well:
      http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-10-31/health/sc-health-1031-diabetes-insulin-20121031_1_insulin-blood-sugar-diabetes-educator

      You can easily get yourself tested at a hospital as well. What will be really useful about getting diagnosed is that you’ll be able to get a prescription for Metformin (make SURE you get extended release, or you’ll get nauseous!!) which will really help you start to lose weight if that’s your goal, and just maintain healthy insulin levels in general. In fact, I really need to ammend my post to add the fact that I just started taking metformin again since it really helped me lose weight last time, but after all the moving I’ve done, I forgot about it until my mom just reminded me.

      I hope these couple of things help out in some way. Knowing if you have it can really help you figure out how to proceed with your goals, whether it’s to get pregnant, lose weight or keep yourself from getting diabetes.ReplyCancel

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MyMommyStyle Meet Camille

Hello! I am Camille, a wife, mother of four, Disney obsessed, certified teacher, and reality optimist. Motherhood comes with its ups and downs, and I hope while you're here you'll find something that makes your #momlife easier!

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