I woke up anxious to get to the end of the day because we would meet Jordan. Once again, I was very thankful to be watching General Conference and feeling the spirit of the day. I look forward to General Conference every six months so I can veg in my PJ’s, watch church on TV and still get credit for attending! We always get crafts to do with the kids, so it is easier to sit through all 4 hours. The little ones come and go as they please, but they catch quite a bit of it.
Jon had taken the kids to Blikenstaffs, an “old fashion” toy store at “Shops in the Riverwoods” on Saturday to find crafts to do. They have darling stuff, including all the toys from my childhood. I found scratch and sniff stickers there, old candies, board games etc.
I took notes as the speakers shared their messages, and doodled with listening ears, hoping for any inspiration that I could capture. Here is a link to some of the talks given on Saturday and Sundayfor those who missed it. I was trying so hard to listen with my spiritual ears…I needed inspiration, I needed help and guidance.
Jon made us dinner because he knew I was in some sort of weird twilight zone. I sat in my oversized brown leather recliner and waited for my answer. I knew it would come, but I didn’t know how. As conference was coming to an end, I went to shut my journal that I was taking notes in and a piece of paper fell out into my lap. I reached down and opened it, curious to see what it was. I was somewhat surprised to find my patriarchal blessing in my hands. I didn’t even know there was a copy inside. I started to read the familiar words that I have studied over and over again. Patriarchal blessings are beautiful things. They are a guide for your life and a special prayer that you receive from a patriarch of the L.D.S. church when you are ready. The things that it says in my blessing are obviously just for me. Jon’s are no doubt for him. The words are straight from our Heavenly Father. I feel the spirit so strong every time I read it, but I didn’t realize how much it would mean to me on this particular day.
I scanned it, I have it almost memorized. It has been a guide and direction piece for me over the years. Then, a sentence stood out that never had before. It said that
“Janae, you have been blessed with children, and others will come to your home.”
I remembered reading this when I originally received the blessing and thinking ‘Of course I would’ but on this day I knew it was speaking of Handsome. Yes, it was a direct message to me and an answer to my prayer. I didn’t know how yet, but I really believed that it may really happen.
That night Jordan a.k.a. Handsome, was supposed to come meet us with his mom, Grandma (Na Na), uncle, Grandpa, and mom’s friend who was also placing her son with our friends, Jared and Alicia. Jared is the one that we heard about Handsome from in the first place. I tried not to think about it most of the day and kept myself busy…until five. They were planning on showing up at six.
I let my kids know that some friends of ours were coming to play. They asked who they were and where they came from, but I was pretty vague. They were ready and so excited to meet them, but I was even more excited, because I knew our real hopes for adopting a son. Jon kept hugging me and laughing, what else could he do?
Six o’ clock came
Seven o’clock came and they hadn’t shown up.
I called to see if they were lost and if they needed directions to our house. She said they hadn’t left yet, and they lived 45 minutes a way. There was as lump in my throat. Jordan’s biological mother was having a really hard time coming to meet us. I didn’t blame her.
How would that be? Just imagine getting into the car with your one and a half year old child, to meet some strangers, that could be possible be his new parents. Just trying to put myself in her place is like a heavy weight on my chest. I can’t breath when I think of it. I couldn’t relate, I never could relate.
She and Na Na had fed him, changed his little bum, rocked him to sleep, and bonded with him for 19 months, not to mention carried him as her own for nine months inside, feeling him grown within her.
I understand all too well, the sickness, fatigue, sleepless nights and pain involved with pregnancy. I know how it feels the first time you feel a tickle in your belly and wonder if it was just your imagination or your baby. I remember the indescribable feeling you get when you feel bubbles in your tummy that eventually grows into bumps and pushes against your ribs. There is nothing like being a woman and feeling the baby taking over your body, your emotions, and your thoughts.
They become part of you, the best part.
It’s no wonder why when a baby leaves the comfort of your belly and enters into this loud, bright world, they want to be snuggled and hear the beatings of your heart once again, as they lay on your chest in in the night. It’s also not a surprise when we ache for them when we watch them cry, or get hurt for the first time. It is painful to see the doctor prick their little feet in the office, even though we know it’s for the best. We become attached, joined by the months of preparation to come into this world. Attached by the spirit love that is comparable to nothing on this planet.
The bond of mother and child. How could she get into the car?
Somehow, Na Na was strong enough to pull the weight for Handsomes’ mother. She is young, almost a child herself, trying to make it on her own – and don’t think for a minute that Na Na isn’t just as attached. She has the perspective to really process what was going on, and she was there from day one, supporting Handsome. She was adopted herself, and understands this huge commitment. Yes, she is just as much a part of this as Jordan’s mother. She loves him more than anything, and he is hers also.
Eventually they made it to our house at about 8 o’clock. I had sweat through two shirts, and was sick to my stomach. I was trying so hard to be patient and not get too attached, and I wasn’t doing a very good job. I felt like I had gotten my answer, but I still had to wait for them to decide what was best for their family. I could only hope they would feel the same and that he belonged with us.
When they walked in, we immediately felt comfortable. Handsome ran up to our salt water fish tank and climbed up the step stool to see closer inside. This was a great plus for Jon…possibly a spiritual sign 😉 He watched for a bit and then started playing with the kids. By this point we had told my oldest daughter, Kinley, what was going on, and I could tell by the look on her face that she understood the magnitude of this meeting.
Handsome was darling. He had huge brown eyes, long eye lashes, and the same color of hair as my kids. He had an enormous smile and was quick to laugh. I was in love.
We started talking about the path that brought their family into our home this night, as Whitney pushed Handsome around our main floor, in a huge Tonka truck Jon had bought him the day before. We couldn’t help but giggle as the girls flew around and around in a big circle passing the front room, through the kitchen, into the piano room, and back into the front room, over and over again.
Pretty soon Handsome came running in with a ball and rolled it across the floor as if to say, “Stop chatting, and come play!”
I would have, had it been any other circumstance, but we had things to talk about. We were all taking this very serious, for obvious reasons. They needed to feel comfortable with the decision, as did we. We both had questions to ask of each other. Some were minor, and some were major. We both felt like we were supposed to meet that night, I just wished Handsome’s mother had come so she could feel comfortable with the situatio. It was interesting hearing the things the family wished for Handsome, because they are all things we would do raising him naturally without having to change a thing.
They wanted him active…well, I can say that we are always doing something! We rarely just sit around as a family. They wanted him in sports, and I had no reservation in promising them this. I explained that although we have lots of girls, they aren’t sissy girls. They snowmobile, four wheel, snow ski and snow board, wake board in the summer on our boat, hike, play soccer, play in the dirt, and many other traditional “boy” things. I was curious about his eating, sleeping, and play time habits. If he came I wanted the right music in his room *Jewel’s lullaby CD*, food in the kitchen “bananas, apples, apple juice, and slide shots” I wanted to show him his favorite familiar cartoons when he wanted to relax *Wonder pets* I wanted the transition as easy as possible.
For this reason, I explained that we would be keeping his first given name. He would have enough life changes to deal with. He would loose his family, home, stability and everything he knew to be real. How could I take his name also? Plus, Jon and I liked his name and with the changing of his middle name it would make it the same initials as his dads.
Handsome had climbed up onto his Na Na’s lap sometime during the long evening and fell asleep on his own. He didn’t cry, just snuggled up and dozed off.
When they decided it was time to leave *around 10:30 p.m.* they got up and we said our goodbyes. Handsome awoke and looked around with a dazed, squinty eyed face. I am sure he wondered where he was, and why he was still here.
As they were walking out our front door, Handsome said, “GO?” Na leaned over and said, “Yes Jordan, we are going home.” as she walked toward the car. Handsome again said, “GO?” but this time we all realized he was leaning toward our house. His Na Na got big eyes *big brown eyes* and said, “I think he actually wants to stay!”
Jon and I couldn’t believe it. It was a sweet reassurance that he felt comfortable in our home. We couldn’t be more happy and went to bed with a smile. I didn’t smile because I was sure we would get him, I smiled because the meeting went well and I had a firm belief that whatever was supposed to happen, would.
written by: Janae Moss
If you are missing pieces of Jordan’s Adoption story, you can find them below.
Hello! I am Camille, a wife, mother of four, Disney obsessed, certified teacher, and reality optimist. Motherhood comes with its ups and downs, and I hope while you’re here you’ll find something that makes your #momlife easier!
Hello! I am Camille, a wife, mother of four, Disney obsessed, certified teacher, and reality optimist. Motherhood comes with its ups and downs, and I hope while you're here you'll find something that makes your #momlife easier!