Not only are you not cool, you just may be teetering on the brink of total loserdom. Not sure? Here, let me ask you a few questions.
What is your primary form of communication?
(If you answered anything but “text”, you’re not cool. If you answered “face-to-face”, yup, you’re a loser.)
What time do you wake up on a weekday?
a) Before 6
b) Before 8
c) Before 10
d) Sometime in the afternoon
(If you answered c or d, you’re probably still cool.)
What is typically on your facebook status? (You DO have a facebook account, right?? Nope? Well, you’re a loser then, you can stop right now.)
a) Something ironic
b) Something about how awesome your party was last night
c) Something about how well you’re doing on Farmville
d) Something about your kid
(If you answered a or b, you’re cool. C? meh…probably still okay. D? You’re a loser!)
When was the last time you attended a party?
a) Last night
b) Last week
c) Last month
d) Last decade
(Anything but A makes you a loser.)
While at that party, what was there?
c) Balloon animals
d) A piñata
e) Many small children??
(Need I truly decipher this one for you?? Alright: a-cool, b-cool, c-not cool, d-not cool, e-LOSER!)
Can you decipher this text message?
- I went2 a supa QL pRt lst nyt +I wet my pants. thN I cried Mself 2 zzz on my huJ pillow! My lyf sux!
If you were able to decipher it on your own, you’re kinda cool, but if you understood the “cried myself to sleep on my huge pillow” reference, you’re a loser. (For my cool friends out there, it’s from So I Married an Axe Murderer; funniest movie! But will make you significantly less cool if you haven’t already watched it. Fact!)
There comes a time in every girl’s life when she has no choice but to face the truth about herself, and for me, that moment occurred during a photo shoot.
This was a few years ago. At the time, one of my hobbies included scouring the web for the latest and most obscure hipster music…you know, the kind I could say, once that band became popular, “Oh, I liked them LONG before they were popular” thus, translating to, “I’m way cooler than you.” Because coolness is a zero sum game; you’re only cool, if someone else isn’t. I always said it was just for fun, but really, it was my reassurance that age, marriage and motherhood had not altered my… je ne sais quoi.
I was trying to get my subjects, a bride and groom to loosen up and have fun and I asked them for their best Blue Steel look.
All I got were vacant stares. Really?? I recoiled in horror! These kids were only 4 or 5 years younger than me and they had no idea what Zoolander was! And, to top it off, their vacant stares were followed by the typical eye roll and smirk one might give to their grandfather when he once again tells the story of how he walked uphill to school, both ways, AND in snow…with potatoes in his pockets to keep warm!
I was appalled. And then…surprisingly, I almost felt…liberated. Because once you’re “cool” you have to work really hard to stay cool. You’ve got to post X amount of photos of you at awesome parties, doing awesome things; and always be up to date on the coolest music, shows and trends, and be sure to inform others when they’ve gone astray, adding your own patronizing eye rolls and smirks.
Let’s be honest, you are never as cool as when you’re single. High school and college age is the absolute coolest. What’s cooler than parties and concerts? A different chick or dude to hang out with every night (at least that’s what you tell your facebook friends and twitter fans). You live that rock and roll lifestyle. And sigh every time another friend falls victim to that old thing called marriage. But even as newlyweds, you are still cool…not quite as cool as when you were single and unfettered by the responsibility of family, but cool none-the-less. And actually, the harder you try to stay cool the cooler you really are, right? I mean, you’ve got to re-establish your coolness by going to only the hottest parties, with only the most awesome peeps! No dollar amount will keep you away, because you’ve got more to prove now that you’re married. And you buy that super rad car (I think the term “super rad” is probably not cool…ugh, fml.) and tell everyone how much better it is than theirs because it’s expensive, and a hybrid; never mind the fact that you’ve got debt collectors banging down your door. You just THANK HEAVENS you’re not married WITH children!! Never will you be so UN-cool as a person married with kids! How lame is that!? I mean, to think, “THOSE” people are laughing at the bodily functions of their babies, posting photos of all the lame stuff their kids do…I mean, who cares, right? They’re actually more entertained by watching their kids, and by playing Candy Land on a Friday night than by going to some severely cool party. (ps: for my very cool friends, Candy Land is a game for small children in which you win by getting your gingerbread man to the Candy Castle via the Gumdrop pass, the Lollipop Woods and Licorice Lagoon…it’s basically awesome, but definitely NOT cool!)
In all seriousness, you know the song; “I want to be a Billionaire”? Aren’t you a little saddened by how true it is? How do people think it’s okay to sit around daydreaming of becoming a billionaire, rather than going out and getting a real job, or an education? “I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is” (again, for my very cool friends, this quote is from Zoolander).
Admittedly, I failed my own coolness test MISERABLY! A late night is anything past 10! (In college, most nights didn’t really start until 10! lol) I am immensely entertained by my babies! I post their little faces ALL over facebook! I enter them in contests. In fact, I know it’s super lame, but this little gem ended up on AFV (Such a funny show…and SOOOO not cool!)
We still go to concerts, but instead of 311 and Flo-rida, we go to Tim McGraw and Dave Matthews. If I’m being really honest, the love of parenting is almost as vain as the vanity of single life, but instead of a million shots of yourself, we post a million shots of our little mini-me’s.
I can’t even begin to tell you how well I remember thinking how lame my married friends were. I was just so cool. And as a newlywed, I remember how LAME my friends with kids were! ALL they talked about, day and night was their kids! I thought, “There’s more to life than your snot-nosed little brats!” But now, as a parent, I realize that there really isn’t. And I couldn’t possibly be happier about it! Never in my life have I been as happy and fulfilled as I am now. To love another person more completely than you could ever love yourself truly gives meaning and purpose to your life. I know now that for once, I am anxiously engaged in the best cause. Something far more valuable than billions of dollars I daydream of. You just cannot possibly understand this until you have babies of your own. And even though I am so severely un-cool, I could not care less. I’ll proudly claim that title.
And now, “Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
(ps: you’re not cool if you know the reference of that quote! hahaha)
Cheers to staying un-cool!
Hello! I am Camille, a wife, mother of four, Disney obsessed, certified teacher, and reality optimist. Motherhood comes with its ups and downs, and I hope while you’re here you’ll find something that makes your #momlife easier!