As I watch my daughters grow, I often have flash backs about how I felt when I was their age. I remember feeling so sure of my path, as if it were laid out like a beautiful oil painting ahead of me, full of rich colors and beauty – I only had to take one step at a time – and walk it. I was sure that my teenage years were the hardest I would face, and that when I was a mother myself, everything would be smooth. I wouldn’t have to go to school, I could hang out with my friends when I wanted to, I could drive wherever I pleased or even stay up as late as desired! These small freedoms were so exciting to me, and I could hardly wait to become an adult!
The problem is, this simply isn’t the truth! Although I am no longer in school anymore myself, I have finished way more homework as a mother than I ever did as a student. The amount of reading charts, challenging math equations, and memorization, I help my children with – is leaps and bounds above my poor study habits as a teenager. It’s true, I do get to drive around in a car now, with perfect freedom, but I am driving everyone else where they need to go, in an oversized beast car – and not where my little heart desires. I now am able to choose when I go to bed at night, after I realize I will never finish everything on my to-do list that day and only to be pulled out of my dreams by crying babies, children with nightmares, sick kids, or my own busy mind, that struggles to quiet itself, reviewing all I need to do or accomplish the following day. Age is a funny thing.
It is very clear to me now, that the path that I once had perfectly laid out in front of me, wasn’t actually a path, at all. I have goals and dreams always, and strive for them – but my journey seems to look more like a hiking trail. Some places have gnarly weeds, and there are areas it seems to stop without notice, or split off into many varying directions. Sometimes, when I let my fears get the best of me – I stop at those places and plan to hold right where I am, looking for a sign on how to proceed. I believe it’s important to reflect and get a perspective about where I stand, in order to move ahead in the best way – but there are times when I hesitate so long, I begin to slide.
There have been days when I was so frustrated at the point I stood in my life, that I began questioning my purpose and shut out listening to the spirit. I’m not choosing to do this because I feel that I can do it better on my own, rather, I feel so lost that I can’t see through the trees. It feels thick and isolated, with dense shrubbery closing in on all sides.
For this reason, prayer has always been an important part of my life, but I have to wonder if I say prayers only when it’s convenient. Meaning, If I am having a really hard day – I turn to prayer. My thoughts are clear and my conversation is intent. When everything is going right, I will sometimes forget to pray, or if I do – it falls into a sort of rhythm that feels ordinary and familiar – or even disengaged in some ways.
I want to set a goal to align my path with my prayers more closely. I don’t want to wait until I feel lost, to pour out my soul. I want to be aware of my spiritual self, everyday – not just in times of crisis, so that as I live a life that doesn’t look exactly like I originally thought, I will have patience and see that I am blazing my own trail. We all have a divine purpose, that nobody else can discover for us. Our trail isn’t going to look like a road, nicely manicured and cared for , rather, it will have surprise crooked turns and rugged rocks. The branches may scratch into our skin as we pass, and we will probably fall. Every scar has a story, and lesson learned. The challenge each day, is to keep going – and realize that we haven’t lost until we give up.
So get up. Move on. Give thanks, and blaze your trail anyway. Make it a beautiful beautiful day.
written by: Janae
Hello! I am Camille, a wife, mother of four, Disney obsessed, certified teacher, and reality optimist. Motherhood comes with its ups and downs, and I hope while you’re here you’ll find something that makes your #momlife easier!