The big day came.
The day that you were going to go with us to the lawyer’s office so that your mamma could sign the documents so that your mamma and daddy now could have you forever.
Forever…. that sounds so final… so long, but it is not in time I will be able to see my little grandson again. I know I will, I do not care how big you are, but I am going to hold you in my arms and cry on your shoulder because no matter where you are, you are still my grandson and my Handsome, your mama’s handsome.
*Sorry off track again*
We woke up and you came running into my room so that we could follow our traditions of you coming and laying with me in my arms doing the “This little piggy” with your little toes, and then patty cake, and the intsy wintsy spider, that was one of your favorites because we used to really get with it when the sun came up……..then after that I would say
“Where is Handsome?”
and you would hide your face and come back up and go grahhhhhhhh……then laugh.
This particular morning we did our routine and I cried, and cried, and cried, but you still laughed and smiled more then usual. Is it because you knew that you were finally going home? Were you just really getting into our routine to let me know that you were going to see me later???
I just bawled,
but then we got up and I went out and smoked, and then I got you in the tub. The thing that was so funny is when I would go out and smoke you would look at me out he window like
“Na Na stop!!!!!”
After we got you out, I rubbed baby lotion on you and cried. I knew that this was going to be the last time that I was ever going to be able to do that. After all, when we meet again you are going to be a grown man and I do not think that you are going to let me lay you down and do it then.
I fed you cereal, but the thing that is so funny is that you only liked the Marsh mellow cereals because you only liked to eat the marsh mellows, but I did not care. I was and am your Na Na and I wanted to give you what you wanted with no delay.
Then I went out and put you in your car seat and we left, me, you, Gampa, and Unkie and your mamma. I cried the whole way there. I twiddled a cigarette in my fingers not being able to wait to be able to smoke it, and then we pulled up.
I was nervous, I had anxiety, and a lot more emotions.
We went in and you walked in almost like you owned the world and you knew what was going to happen, you knew that you were going home and that you were going to see us later. You kept opening and shutting the door to the office because you liked to hear the door bell go on and off.
The secretary brought out some toys for you to play with, but you looked at her like,
“Lady are you serious? I am a boy not a baby.”
It was priceless.
Shortly after, your mamma signed the documents and then the lawyer went in and had your new mamma and daddy sign the documents. They came out of the rooms and the lawyer looked at us and said,
“Okay now you need to let Handsome go with his new parents. So mamma we will give you some time to hug and kiss him good-bye.”
I just about dropped out of my seat.
I could feel the tears well up inside my throat, I couldn’t catch my breath. It was over!!!!! That was it???? I could not believe it, he was gone. As we walked out to our cars I got to hold his little hand, I did not want to let go!!!!!
Could I let go???
When we got to where we were parked, your mamma and daddy asked us if we wanted to go anywhere so that people could say goodbye. My heart welled up again and that is when I said,
“Really????? You guys are amazing and you are the best!!!!”
That is when they both replied
“We do not want to leave with hard feelings after all you guys took care of our son for 19 months it is the least that we could do.”
I had tears in my eyes and said,
“Well we need to go to my sister’s work….”
That is where your great aunt was and that is where we all cried while you got your last hair cut. Then after we left there we went to your aunties Jr. High so that you could say good bye to her.
The amazing thing to me in all of this is that you got into your mamma and daddy’s car with no problems. I think it is because you knew that you were home.
Your two older sisters came with your mamma and daddy so that they could be in on all the new comings of Handsome. They took the first picture with their baby brother,
YES DADDY, I SAID BROTHER!!!!!
You now have a son.
Eating a doughnut in the back seat, and you were all smiles with powder sugar all over your face, so cute!!!!!!!!
After your auntie hugged you and kissed you she went to go back into school crying, but she knew that your happiness was so profound, we could see all that joy in happiness in your face of Don’t worry mamma and daddy I am finally home!!!!
I think to tell you the honest truth I had at least 5 cigarettes from Draper to Lehi because I was so happy for you, but deep in sorrow for me, but you are the most important thing in my life and your true happiness is so important and I could see that when you were with your new family.
We were getting ready to leave and that is when the Moss’s invited us over to their house so that we could spend at least a hour with you before we were to split our ways. I think on the drive I had another 4 cigarettes.
I could not handle my emotions at that time after all I am known as the Tin Man I do not cry that much because I did not want my tear ducts to rust.
As we pulled up into the drive way of your new home I called over to your daddy and said,
“I was doing some thinking and I want to be around for Handsome when he is finally able to meet us, and I do not want to meet him with a ventilator or smelly clothes, or a raspy voice, or the worse part cancer because I could not quit. So here are my smokes, and as of now I am done. I love my grandson more then anyone will ever know and for him I am done.”
He took the cigarettes from me and got rid of them. Just to let you know that has been almost 2 months now and I have not picked up another one. I see you in my mind, my heart, and my soul. I quit for me and for you so that I can hold you again!!!!!!
It was a couple weeks after this that I went back to church, just to sacrament meeting, but I went back!!!!! What would you know that it was Fast and Testimony meeting on top of it. Unkie did not want me to go alone so he came and went with me, and Gampa was in Cali picking up his Semi truck.
After about half way into the meeting I got up and went to the stand and said,
“I need to bare my testimony today more then I have ever needed to bare it before. So much has happened in my life within the past 1 1/2 that I just need to share. My oldest daughter got pregnant and some people where not the nicest to us for that so we found every excuse there was to let go of our truths, and our faith and we let go of the rod. Shortly after that I ran into some problems with my son, and then after that my husband lost his job due to lay offs. I did not know what to do at the time, because it was after that my brother lost his wife and three kids due to the fact that she did not want to be married to him any longer because she did not want to deal with his Epilepsy any longer. So when that happened I went down every day after work to be with him because he could not be alone. I would get home every morning around 3 sometimes 4 sleep for 2 hours and then get up and go to work. I did that every day for 4months. Shortly after that I did a Domestic Violence walk for women and Children and then donated all the money to the shelter because they were in need of supplies. 100 Miles I walked and I felt the Lord help me with every step because I know that with my smoker lungs I could not of done it alone, and not only that I could feel the women and children that have lost their lives to this crime smile down upon me and helped carry me that last 10 miles. That was Sept. Then shortly after that my mom called and said that my dad was in really bad shape. He was in the hospital for 90 days and we almost lost him several times. Then it was shortly after all this my daughter told me that she wanted to put my grandson up for adoption.
I did not know what I was going to do. All of this trauma happening all at once. Then I quit smoking, I was going crazy. Then my daughter making bad choices and now she is gone until she is 18!!!!!
I am of course CRYING my rusted tear ducts out. My family what was I going to do. That is when I went to my father in law and said I need a blessing please help me!!!!!!!!!!
That is when I felt the spirit of God come back into my body!!!!! The rod then lit up brighter then I have ever seen it in my life and that was you my grandson it was your smiling face!!!!! Your spirit, I believe in GOD I BELIEVE IN THE ATONEMENT OF CHRIST, I BELIEVE IN THE SCRIPTURES AND NOT THE BORN AGAIN BIBLE, BUT THE BOOK OF MORMON. I LOVE MY SON MY HUBBY MY DAUGHTERS AND MOST OF ALL MY GRANDSON. I KNOW THAT HE IS HAPPY I CAN FEEL IT, AND I KNOW THAT HE IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE, AND IN THE RIGHT HOME!!!! I JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW THIS IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST AMEN.”
Now I chew ice instead of smoking and I am going to be a guest speaker to tell my story.
*What an amazing testimony from an amazing lady. Thanks again for sharing nana!*
If you want to read the full adoption story, you can find it here…(Click Below)
And if you want to read about the adoption from his perspective…
And if you want to read about our story from the birth mom and nana’s perspective, you can find it here.
And if you want to begin reading about Jordan’s ongoing story about being adopted, and what it’s like to adopt a toddler, you can begin the journey here.